I recently read a depressing article that discussed people's increasingly rude and selfish behavior in public places. It's a trend that began decades ago with the "Me Generation" of the 1970s and has spread across the globe like COVID itself. Some are blaming the pandemic. But I think it goes back further, to the behavior of government officials (particularly in the U.S.) who have taken an attitude of my way or the highway. The public has been saturated with media depicting a winner-take-all mentality in government, a sort of transference of capitalist ideology to all levels of the public sector. Rather than a view that elected officials are there to help guide the country and look after its citizens, public office is becoming a Coney Island sideshow where the more extremist and outrageous the view, the more popular the official is. Or at least, the more likely that those officials will get the media attention necessary to spread their views.

I expected that from those in the cut-throat business of entertainment where the loudest and most outrageous personality gets the most attention. In that arena, the biggest ego wins. But that shouldn't be the way government operates. Government, frankly, should be boring. It's a lot of complicated work that takes a lot of discussion and compromise to get right. Government is there to serve the citizens, not the elected officials. And when the system works the way it should, with people generally emulating their leaders in positive ways, we end up with a fairly contented population.

But that's not where were at right now. It's not just the U.S. by any means; it's a global pandemic of narcissism and conflict. A lot of it is being stoked by media outlets, which have a single concern: to keep viewers' eyes glued to the screen day and night. The more people who tune in, the more profit the outlet makes. And the best way to keep people watching is through two emotions: fear and anger. People will always tune in if their afraid of something that's about to happen, and if their upset that something is happening. And some media outlets are experts at whipping their viewers into outrage.

The question of course is what can be done about it before society tears itself apart. In the U.S., I think bringing back the Fairness Doctrine would be a good start, ensuring that broadcasters offer all sides of an issue and allow the viewers to make their own decisions. That of course would assume that viewers would want to sit through a logical presentation of facts, as opposed to the current presentation of many news outlets that's more akin to a wrestling match, sound and fury purely for entertainment purposes. At this point, I suspect that even if the Fairness Doctrine were reinstated, some broadcasters would simply find a way around it. And as with so much in society right now, they wouldn't pay a price for it (or at least one that would seriously impact them). As with any law, enforcement is just as important as the regulation itself. Plus, most people no longer get their information from a TV screen; they get it from the Internet. And as Harlan Ellison pointed out decades ago, the Internet is the perfect medium for spreading disinformation at lightning speed.

Given the current political climate in the U.S., it seems futile to appeal to a politician's sense of decency. Ethics, etiquette, the rule of law -- none of those seem to matter anymore. Although political parties always have had their differences, in the seemingly distant past there was a sense that all of the elected officials were in agreement on making the country a better place. But it now seems like their only concern is making it a better place for themselves.

So even though we're finally pulling out of this years-long pandemic, I'm not confident that this coming year will bring a joyous rewakening of brotherly (or sisterly) spirit. The tragedy of all the lives lost because of bureaucratic bungling will be forgotten and there will be no regrets about poor decisions and endless inaction. There won't be any reflection on what could have been done better, virtually assuring another pandemic will descend upon us in the future. But at least I'll be able to find out all about it through the media and hide under my bedcovers in rage.

January 20, 2022

On January 2, the Greater Westfield Choral Association began rehearsals for our spring concert. If you read my blahg entries in 2021, you'll remember that I was looking forward to the premiere of a choral mass that I had written for the group. Marc Winer, the group's director, wanted at least 40 singers in the chorus. Fewer singers would probably have gotten drowned out by the orchestra.

Unfortunately, at the first rehearsal we had only 23 singers. Because we were rehearsing at Westfield State University, we had to abide by their rules, which were that all people in the building needed to show proof of vaccination and had to wear a mask. There were several former members of the chorus who either refused to get vaccinated or refused to wear a mask. So that cut our numbers down. But even so, with the rise of the Omicron variant all over the news, I was surprised that we had as many members show up as we did. And by the next week, the group had increased to over 30 members. That still wasn't enough to perform my mass, but it at least meant that we'd be able to create some music together.

So Marc chose Haydn's second Missa Cellensis for the first half, with Karen accompanying us on the piano. In the second half we'll be performing selections from Randall Thompson, also accompanied on piano. Originally we were supposed to perform at St. Mary's Parish in Westfield, a big cathedral with booming acoustics. But because of our more intimate program and the need for a high quality piano, we switched to the Second Congregational Church, where Karen is choir director. We've performed there in the past. The acoustics are good and there's a really nice Yamaha grand.

So once again I'll be unable to hear one of my pieces performed. It's difficult for me to improve as a composer when I never hear anything I write (except when performed by my computer). But undeterred, I launched into composing a new work, the largest I've attempted so far: a requiem. The text for the standard requiem format is in twelve parts covering four pages of small type. So there's a lot of content. I had been working on a symphony and hadn't gotten very far with it. But when I started working on the requiem, I found that the musical ideas flowed out of me faster than I could write them down. The text was an inspiration and an aid to help create the music. Within a few weeks I had completed six of the twelve sections and was really pleased with them. The fifth section, the Dies Irae, is the longest one and also has the most emotional variety, so I'm enjoying working on that. It's one of those tasks that completely consumes me. While I'm writing, hours pass by unnoticed. At my current pace, I should have the entire requiem completed in a few months. Then I'll have to come up with new strategies to mount a performance and give my computer a rest.

March 19, 2022

The wind turbine that I installed last year has been working great, so far having produced over 3.2 kah of power. That's a lot more than I expected I'd get. Combined with the solar panel, I've never seen the battery voltage drop below 12.6, even during a week of cloudy skies and calm winds. But I did notice that the battery would drain quickly when under a heavy load, and the turbine and solar panel couldn't replenish it quickly enough. That became obvious when I plugged in my electric leaf blower and used it for a few minutes. The battery voltage dropped precipitously. The problem was that a single battery didn't have enough capacity to keep up with that kind of demand. The garden railway probably would be fine, but tools would cause a big drain.

So I bought another battery, identical to the one I already had. I wired it up in parallel, so it provides the same voltage but with double the capacity. Following the advice of Missouri Wind & Solar, I used the positive terminal of one battery and the negative terminal of the other to connect to the system. While I was doing that, I discovered that the odd beeping I kept hearing wasn't coming from the turbine's charge controller, but from the solar panel's. I suspect that it provides the same functionality as the turbine controller's flashing light, which indicates how much charge the battery has. A flashing light is less annoying than the constant beeping, but in the solar controller manual I couldn't find any mention of how to disable that function.

Now that the warmer weather is approaching, I'll be working out in the yard and will have a chance to put the higher capacity to the test. Then it will be a matter of finding the time to build the garden railway. My priority right now is to finish up the Mountain Park model and get it to Heritage Park. And finish the Requiem.

I'm also heading into full swing on the Westfield Master Plan Committee. That process should be underway in another month or so. And the Westfield Cultural Council is back to regular monthly meetings. And one of our daughters is getting married in June. So time is going to be fleeting for the foreseeable future. It's like I've heard others say: I'm busier now that I'm retired than when I was working.

August 5, 2022

For all the money that's thrown at it, the health care system in the U.S. is a mess. So is one of my teeth. A crown fell out last week. So I called my dentist. The soonest he could fit me in was August 25th. Till then I had to eat mush.

On July 18, I had a sudden attack of acute bronchitis. I have no idea how I picked it up. Normally with a chest cold, I take some Tussin, rub Vicks on my chest, sleep with a vaporizer on and in a few days I'm fine. But it was closing in on a month and I hadn't gotten any better. I tested myself for COVID three separate times and was negative. So I called my general practitioner's office on August 1 and explained my situation. They told me a physician's assistant would call me the next day between 3:15 and 4:30. The next day I waited around but no one called. The next morning I called the office and was sent right to voicemail. I left a message but no one called me back.

My doctor's office has an online portal that can be used for messaging. So I sent one message to my primary care doctor and another to the physician's assistant. They never responded. At that point, I was getting really concerned. For all I knew, I might have had walking pneumonia. So I decided to try one of the local "doc in a box" urgent care facilities. Karen and I drove there only to find that it had shut down. A sign on the door said to visit one of their other facilities, but it didn't say where those facilities were.

So instead we drove directly to my doctor's office and I went to see the receptionist. I explained what had happened. The receptionist apologized and set me up with another tele-health appointment with the same physician's assistant for August 4 at 3:00. So that day I waited by my phone and by 3:40 I hadn't received a call nor a text nor an email. I logged into their portal, and there were no messages. (And I had to pay $20 to access the appointment section of the portal).

So instead I called my chiropractor (!). The receptionist said they could definitely see me in two hours. Meanwhile, I called my G.P.'s office and finally got through. I explained that I once again didn't get a call. They apologized again and said they'd have the assistant call me right back. A half-hour later I got a call. Fortunately, the assistant had read my symptoms from the forms I filled out online. She was pretty certain it was a bacterial infection and had prescriptions for doxycycline and prednisone sent to my pharmacy.

An hour later Karen and I went down the road to the chiropractor. I was seen promptly. They also suspected the problem might be bacterial and could develop into pneumonia. So they suggested getting a chest x-ray. I told them what my G.P. had just prescribed and they said that was perfect. It's exactly what a hospital would have prescribed.

After the chiropractor's adjustment, we went to pick up the prescriptions. I took one of each pill before going to bed. That night was rough, but the next morning, most of the congestion had cleared, seemingly miraculously. I was still coughing once in a while but nothing like before and I could breathe without wheezing. I probably shouldn't have waited three weeks before trying to get it treated. But I assumed it was a normal chest cold and would clear up on its own. I never know when I'm being a hypochondriac or when it's actually a serious problem.

The only other option open to me would have been to visit the emergency room at the local hospital. To me, that seemed like a waste. My condition was concerning, but not what I would call an emergency. More and more people are doing just that though, because trying to get through to their general practitioner is sheer futility. However, the ER comes at a steep cost. Several months ago I got bitten by something on my head and a large painful lump began growing there. I didn't know whether it was poisonous or whether I was having an allergic reaction. So I went to the ER and sat around for about an hour before anyone came over to me. By that point the swelling had gone down. The nurse told me it was a bug bite, gave me a Benedryl and sent me on my way. The bill I received totaled $800. Fortunately my insurance paid for 2/3 of that. But still ... $800 for a Benedryl tablet?

It's interesting to me that there seem to be very different philosophies that different practitioners have. With my chiropractor, the emphasis is on preventing illness in the first place by keeping me healthy. With my G.P., they don't really seem to be interested in seeing me unless it's a life-or-death situation (and I'm really vocal about it). And usually the solution is a drug. Sometimes, as in the case of my recent condition, that definitely was the answer. But that seems to be their default response in all cases. When I went for a check-up at my G.P.'s a few years ago, he thought my blood pressure was a little high and recommended that I start taking blood pressure medication. I asked him if instead I could moderate the blood pressure by relaxation exercises and changes in my diet. He responded, "I guess you could try that if you wanted." I would have thought that would be the first thing to try, and the medications the last.

I remember when I went through my nightmarish back injury, my G.P. at the time kept trying to get me to take opioids, and I refused. The nurse said, "There's nothing wrong with them. They're perfectly safe. I take them every day!" (At that point I started looking for a new G.P.)

So in one practice, the default approach seems to be managing your life to prevent disease. In another practice, the default approach is using drugs to mask the effects of the disease. I prefer the former approach, fully realizing that in some cases the latter approach is necessary. I just wish that getting access to the health care I needed wasn't an issue that gave me high blood pressure.

UPDATE: The following Monday I received a call from my G.P.'s office. He wanted a follow-up visit with me, and that was really encouraging to hear. So I got an appointment that day and we had a good talk. It turned out that my problem was actually a virus, and it would have to work its way out of my system. He checked my lungs and sinuses and everything looked okay. My oxygen levels were fine, as was my blood pressure. It would take a few more weeks to completely clear up, and there really wasn't much more he could do besides advise me to keep taking Tussin and Alka-Seltzer Plus when I needed it. He said that there are a lot of viruses besides COVID that suddenly have reappeared, and I happened to catch one. The only bright side I guess is that since it's a virus, I'll be building up some immunity to it for the future. Then I just have to watch out for the dozens of other viruses out there....

November 12, 2022

After I finally shedded the virus, my heart palpitations returned. As my father used to say, "It's fun to get old!" I suspect I've had them off and on all my life but never paid much attention to them. Both of my sisters said they have them, and my mother had them. So I assume it's genetic. But mine were really alarming to me. I described it to my doctor as a jazz combo in my chest. My heart was jumping all over the place in no particular rhythm. It started in force about two years ago, usually when I went to bed. The episodes would last from a few to several hours. I had periods of months when my heart seemed to be fine and I didn't notice any palpitations. Then suddenly I'd be struck by one episode after another. My doctor set me up with a Holter monitor over a year ago. Naturally, during the two days I wore it, I didn't have any palpitations. So when I contacted him about repeated new incidences, he suggested getting an ultrasound of my heart, as well as another Holter monitor for three days.

I got my original monitor at the local hospital. They set it all up and applied the electrodes to my body. It was pretty simple. At the end of the two days I returned it to them. This time, though, my doctor scheduled my appointment with a local cardiology lab. Two days before I was supposed to visit the lab, I got a call from them. Their ultrasound technician had taken a vacation and they weren't sure when she was going to return. So I couldn't get that done. They said they'd give me a call to reschedule. That wasn't a very encouraging sign. But, she said, I could come in and get the Holter monitor. So as scheduled, I visited their office. The tech assistant took me into a room and gave me the monitor. It was quite a bit different from the first one I had. This one looked more like a small closed black flip phone. And it looked pretty beat up. The screen was scratched and the body was nicked. The technician showed me the stickers and the electrodes. "Don't pay attention to the markings on here. This one says Left Leg, but it'll attach just below your ribs. This one says Left Arm, but it'll go on the left side of your chest. And this one that says Right Arm will go on the right side of your chest. Oh, and the monitor has a battery that lasts 32 hours, so you can take it off when you shower and charge it then."

When I got home, the monitor immediately said it needed to be charged. So they apparently didn't fully charged it at the office. I plugged in the charger and the screen showed the message, "Device not set up". It also claimed that it would take 75 minutes to fully charge. That would be one long shower. So I sat at my computer doing work while I was wired up. The next morning I went back to the office and told them that the device claimed it wasn't set up. The same tech assistant apologized and took it into a back room to set it up, then handed it back to me. This time when I got home, the device said that the electrodes weren't connected (when they clearly were). So I jiggled the cord coming from the electrodes and the warning went away. Apparently the cable had a short in it. I had to jiggle the cable repeatedly while I was wearing it. I also happened to notice that on the screen was written AT&T 4G, with one or sometimes two bars following it. Apparently it had a cellular connection.

So I lived with the device for two days (not the three my doctor had originally planned). At least this time I had some palpitations, so hopefully the device would show that. I returned the device to the same tech assistant and mentioned the problem with the electrode cable shorting out. She said that was probably because there was poor WiFi at my house. I was confused. I asked her what she meant. She said that the monitor worked off of WiFi and that I probably had a bad connection with my router. I told her that I thought the device used a cellular connection, since it said AT&T 4G on it. She just shrugged.

The next week I got a call from the office. The technician had returned from vacation, so they could schedule my EKG. I thought I was getting an ultrasound. I was so confused. They didn't have any openings that fit my schedule, so she was going to call me some other time when there were more openings. Meanwhile, I contacted my doctor and asked if there was some sort of misunderstanding. I wore the Holter monitor, which was basically a small EKG device. Why would I need another EKG? I thought I was supposed to get an ultrasound of my heart. He responded that the EKG was an ultrasound. Still confused, I waited to hear back from the office and finally got an appointment for the second week in November. I was getting concerned because my palpitations were getting more frequent. I had heard that if you take your pulse during an episode and your pulse is steady, then there's nothing to worry about. But my pulse was jumping all over just like my heart. That was supposed to be a warning sign of a heart attack. But after two years of this, I wasn't dead yet. So I guess that was encouraging. And I didn't want to run off to the E.R. I had done that once before.

Over a decade ago, my next door neighbor, Ritchie, went to the E.R. complaining of pain in his left leg. The hospital told him it was a cramp and to take some Tylenol. He did, and the next day he was dead from a blod clot. Shortly after that I had the classic symptoms: a pain in my chest, shortness of breath, a pain in my throat and left arm. So reluctantly I went to the E.R. They admitted me right away and wired me up. They kept me overnight and into the next day for observation. They didn't find anything wrong. The hospital's cardiologist stopped by and asked why I thought I had a heart attack. He said my wrists and ankles were slim. I was fit. I had a good diet. I didn't have any predispositions for a heart attack. I told him about my neighbor. I didn't want to take a chance and have the same thing happen to me. He said, "Let me tell you something. During World War II, when planes attacked and dropped bombs on our town, my father would tell me to run to the crater where the bomb just fell because another bomb wouldn't fall in the same crater. Your friend was the bomb." That was the most interesting diagnosis I ever received. And ever since then, I've been reluctant to go to the E.R., thinking I'm a hypochondriac. So I was hoping that the ultrasound would be able to give me a more definitive answer as to whether something is wrong with my heart. If it found nothing wrong, then I'd live with the palpitations knowing that they were just an inconvenience, but not lethal.

The afternoon before my scheduled ultrasound, I got a call from the cardiology lab. Their technician was now sick, so they'd have to reschedule again. The soonest date they had was in January. This was getting to be a bit absurd. I mentioned to my doctor about the appointment being once again postponed and his only response was, "Sorry to hear that. Hang in there."

So this is sort of piggybacking on my previous post about health care systems. I guess if I'm really concerned I could once again go back to the E.R. Or I can just roll the dice and hope the palpitations are nothing serious. I probably should assume that they in fact are a sign of a serious condition. That thought might motivate me to before the end of the year finish the numerous pieces of music I've been working on. Maybe then I'll be able to say that something good came out of this experience.

Update: The day after I wrote this, Karen sent me an interesting video by Sanjay Gupta about gastrocardiac syndrome, of which I had never heard. His explanation made a lot of sense to me, how gastrointestinal problems can trigger heart palpitations. I have a long history of stomach issues dating back to my early teens, which I wrote about earlier. I do notice that if I have a big meal, the palpitations are much worse. So I'm going to be more conscious about limiting what I eat. That will be a challenge as Thanksgiving is upon us. But since I have two months before I get that ultrasound, I need to be a bit more proactive about this.

December 30, 2023

The winter solstice has just passed and gradually the darkness of the cold months will give way to increasing sunshine. With New Years Day coming up, I started thinking about the odd calendar that we take for granted. Why do the solstice and equinox days fall on the 21st of the month? That seems like a really strange place to put them in the calendar. At one time, they were some of the most important events to humans, determining crop cycles and migratory patterns.

So I have a suggestion: move the calendar up by ten days so that the current winter solstice on December 21 falls on January 1. That would make for a really big New Years Day celebration, with the longest night of the year giving way to longer daylight to come. April 1 would be the spring equinox. July 1 would be the summer solstice. October 1 would be the autumn equinox. None of the other holidays would need to be changed, since they're fairly arbitrary anyway. The 4th of July would still be on July 4. Halloween would still be October 31. Valentine's Day would still be February 14. Christmas would still be December 25.

The main obstacle I can see is the knee-jerk resistance to change. The first year of implementation might be challenging. But after that, most people wouldn't notice anything different. It just makes so much more sense to me. By the way, speaking of making sense of things, I did end up going in for my echocardiogram (ultrasound) earlier than expected. The technician was very pleasant. The exam took about a half-hour. She told me should couldn't give me a diagonsis as to what she was seeing; that was the cardiologist's job. But she also couldn't allow me to leave the room if she noticed anything that she considered serious. She would have to go get the cardiologist. At the end of the exam she told me I was free to go. I guess that was a good sign. I haven't heard back yet, neither from my G.P. nor the cardiologist. I guess in the medical profession, no news is good news. So I'll take that as a positive start to the New Year.